by Stephanie Bucklin
Last month, I completed my final Anger Management class, a court-ordered journey that began after a domestic violence incident last August. The path here has been long, painful, and revealing. I sat in a room with others who have hurt—who have been hurt. It was in that final class where we explored a question that’s haunted many of us:
Why do we hurt the ones we love?
The words we use can cut deeper than any blade. We talked about the invisible wounds:
- Coercion – subtle manipulation that corners someone into silence or compliance.
- Put-downs – sarcasm or criticism masked as “truth” that chips away at a person’s confidence.
- Embarrassment – mocking or exposing someone’s vulnerabilities in front of others.
- Gaslighting – making someone doubt their own reality.
- Blaming – refusing responsibility and projecting shame.
- Silent treatment – a form of emotional withdrawal that communicates rejection.
- Yelling or name-calling – overt verbal assaults that create fear and self-doubt.
These aren’t just “bad habits.” They’re learned behaviors—survival mechanisms that have morphed into weapons. As The Body Keeps the Score author Bessel van der Kolk, M.D. writes:
“Trauma results in a fundamental reorganization of the way mind and brain manage perceptions. It changes not only how we think and what we think about, but also our very capacity to think.”
In other words, the trauma we endure doesn’t just stay in our past. It shapes our nervous system, rewires our emotions, and governs how we connect—or fail to connect—with others.
I know this because I lived it.
In my last relationship, I was emotionally and psychologically abused. And I also responded in kind. Not because I wanted to, but because I didn’t know another way. I had never been modeled self-respect, healthy boundaries, or emotional regulation. I had internalized abuse for so long that, at some point, I turned the pain inward—and outward.
Self-betrayal is the first form of violence. When we dishonor our needs, silence our intuition, or stay in environments that harm us, we’re setting the stage for deeper wounds. We betray ourselves, and eventually, that betrayal spills into our relationships.
As that article from Youniverse Therapy wisely explains:
“We hurt the ones we love the most because they are safe. Because we are vulnerable. Because we unconsciously seek healing through reenactment.”
That hit me hard. How many of us unconsciously recreate childhood traumas in adult relationships, trying to master them, fix them—or finally be seen?
The truth is, hurt people do hurt people, but that cannot be the end of the story. The deeper truth is: healed people heal people. And healing starts with self-love. Not the hashtag kind, but the gritty, uncomfortable work of sitting with our past, reclaiming our worth, and learning to speak kindly—to ourselves and to others.
Brené Brown said it best:
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it.”
So here I am, owning mine.
I am not proud of every moment. But I am proud that I’m doing the work now. That I’m no longer blaming the world for what happened to me. That I’m learning to pause before I speak, to breathe through my pain instead of projecting it, to love without controlling.
If you find yourself in these words—if you’ve hurt someone you love, or if you’ve been hurt—know this: It’s not too late to break the cycle. Healing is messy. It’s not linear. But it’s possible.
And you don’t have to do it alone.
Healing the Wound: Tools for Transformation
If trauma is the root of why we hurt those closest to us, then healing must be the path forward. The truth is, we can’t undo what we’ve said or done—but we can choose who we become next. Healing doesn’t mean perfection; it means intention. It means choosing to move forward with love, even when it’s hard.
Here are a few tools that have become pillars in my own healing journey:
Loving-Kindness: Speaking from the Heart
Loving-kindness is more than a meditation; it’s a way of being. This practice invites us to extend compassion first to ourselves, and then to others—even those we’ve hurt or who have hurt us. It begins with simple phrases:
“May I be safe. May I be free from suffering. May I live with ease.”
We then offer the same to others. This practice softens the heart, retrains the nervous system, and cultivates gentler communication. When we speak from love instead of fear, we create bridges instead of walls.
Self-Forgiveness: Releasing the Chains of Shame
Many of us stay trapped in cycles of abuse because we’re drowning in guilt. But guilt doesn’t heal—it stagnates. Self-forgiveness is the radical act of saying: “I made a mistake, but I am not my mistake.”
Forgiveness doesn’t mean denial. It means taking responsibility and then releasing the weight. It is a courageous step toward freedom from your past—and toward the healthy relationships you want to build.
As Bessel van der Kolk writes in The Body Keeps the Score:
“Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health… But often the biggest challenge is feeling safe with ourselves.”
Self-forgiveness helps us feel safe with ourselves again.
Compassion & Empathy: Giving What We Never Received
Sometimes, offering compassion feels impossible—especially when our own hearts are still bruised. But empathy is a skill we can grow.
By practicing deep listening, withholding judgment, and remembering that every person is doing the best they can with what they know, we begin to relate to others from the heart.
Compassion isn’t weakness—it’s power. It allows us to meet pain with presence instead of punishment.
Healing requires daily practice. But the more we show up for ourselves with loving-kindness, forgiveness, and empathy, the less likely we are to harm others in the process.
This is how we break generational cycles. This is how we become safe to love and be loved.
~S
Begin Your Healing Journey with Support
Trauma healing begins with self-love—and you don’t have to walk this path alone.
If you’re ready to shift old patterns, reclaim your voice, and soften into the grace of your own becoming, I invite you to join my Soul Journey Membership. This sacred container is designed for those who are ready to heal from the inside out—with support, forgiveness, and compassion every step of the way.
Inside the Soul Journey Membership, you’ll receive:
- Gentle guidance through emotional healing
- Tools for self-forgiveness and inner peace
- Community support from others on the path
- Practices rooted in loving-kindness, self-compassion, and empowerment
Your soul deserves a safe space to unfold.
Your story deserves to be honored—not hidden.
Healing is possible, and it starts with saying yes to yourself.
Join the Soul Journey Membership today and begin your path to wholeness, one breath, one choice, one day at a time.
