by Stephanie Bucklin, Originally posted 12/1/2015
I am writing this blog because of recent internet hits from both human and electronic sources about depression. It seems there is the clinical definition of depression, then a human definition of it. Clinically, depression is a label for a set of behavioral “symptoms” culminating into a deep sadness, numbness, and loss of hope. But humans define depression in much different ways than do the books. Humans define our depression by our art or music. We write epic poetry about the darkest nights of our souls. We speak volumes about our suffering with many colorful adjectives and (in)action verbs (which don’t usually move anyone forward). We create demons who stay locked in the closets of our minds – based on our fear, anger and shame.
I speak from experience (or write). I was once very depressed. Suicidal even. Clinically speaking, when I was 15 years old, the doctors said I had bipolar disorder and gave me both anti-psychotic and antidepressant psychotropic drugs, which didn’t help matters. Thankfully, my parents listened to me when I asked to be taken off the drugs. My parents agreed and thankfully, my mind was then free to develop. I valued clarity over sanity. Back then, what really helped me was to feel loved, but I didn’t get enough at home. I sought out love in all the wrong places. Trusting the wrong people lead to betrayals, rejection, and lots of other angry or hurtful reactions to an obsessive, overly-emotional, confused teenager. By the time I was 17 years old, I wasn’t quite so depressed, but the sadness hadn’t left. What changed is that I found a sense of purpose in my life. I am a HEALER.
I spent the next several years searching for truth and peace. I was disillusioned by my ex-partner for several years before I awakened at age 27. It has been through my own curious meanderings into meditation that I discovered several of my psychic gifts. I have since theorized that I was coming into my extrasensory gifts as a teenager, but it was too much for my young mind to handle at the time, so I ran away – deeply into self-hatred, anger, and depression.
Being a depressed girl as a teen, I took on habits of other depressed girls at my school and cut myself several times between ages 14 – 16. I would used a pocket knife or a safety pin that I carried in my backpack. I once scraped a heart shaped line into my hand with a piece of sharp glass. My mother saw it and immediately called my shrink to schedule an appointment. I defended myself with a claim that I was trying to be sure I was still alive – that I could still feel something. Though I didn’t admit it to my shrink, I learned early in life that causing myself pain was a form of therapy. Through cutting, I taught myself at a young age the difference between physical pain and emotional pain. This wasn’t a healthy solution to depression, but in my young mind it made sense. I could diffuse my emotional pain with physical pain. I’ve always searched for my own answers. (I stopped cutting after my Mom busted me. She gave me too many reasons to stop that logically, I had to agree.)
Years later when I worked for Corporate America, my body caused me physical pain (carpal tunnel syndrome) due to the emotional pain I was enduring. My job was to write letters to insurance companies for authorizations for prosthetic devices for patients all over the U.S. At that company, I learned a great deal about real suffering, prosthetics devices, medical coding, insurance authorizations, and corporate bureaucracy/hierarchy. The job itself caused some emotional pain, due to the horrific stories I had to write about these traumatic limb loss experiences. This was not fun, but I made it into a challenge. I got really good at appealing and winning cases. This job is also where I developed my work ethics – or should I say, where I became a work-a-holic.
At home, I wasn’t much happier. My wife at the time was quite miserable. She was definitely depressed – I think for our entire relationship. Misery loves company, right? The negativity and emotional pain in that relationship was so great, that I internalized all the pain I experienced at work to deal with home, and vice versa when I was at work. It was a challenging existence. She didn’t hate me or abuse me, per say, it was just her pain, suffering, and angst most of the time. I couldn’t really feel any LOVE from her until she was sleeping. At rest, her pain would subside and she energy feel like the purest love I’d ever felt. But when she would wake, the love energy was replaced with anger, bitterness, sometimes even rage.
Due to the negative influences in my environment, I had a hard time focusing on healing at that time. I had too much physical and emotional pain in my life all the way around. I was also very sedentary due to both the job and my abysmal home life. I rarely got exercise and my eating habits were atrocious. Over the years, due to the combination of a sedentary lifestyle, stress and poor eating habits, lead to over 100 pounds of weight gain. I saw a few psychotherapists over the years for anxiety and depression during that time, but I always refused any drugs.
After several years of emotional and physical self-abuse, my young body protested my existence. I began to have pain in my wrists, elbows, shoulders, and neck when I was just 23 years old. The pain persisted so much at work, that I filed a worker’s compensation case and began receiving treatment for Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in both hands, and Tendonitis in both elbows. During that time, I experimented with Acupuncture, Massage Therapy, and began dabbling in Meditation. But the pain in my hands grew to be so intense, that I finally agreed to have the Carpal Tunnel Release surgery in May 2004. The surgery and the proceeding healing process showed me so much more of my own truth… I spent months alone at home for several hours a day during rehab/physical therapy. As I received less emotional and physical pain from life, I opened my eyes to more and more to my reality. I got addicted to their pain pills for about 3 months as my hands healed. During this time, I found YOGA. I swear that yoga was my savior. And meditation opened me up to greater possibilities within myself. I believe everything happened for a reason – I have learned a great deal as I have grown older and healed myself.
Read more about my yoga journey in my earlier blog, “Yoga: My Path to Peace”. (Read It Here) <3
Just when I got off the pain pills after surgery, my doctor thought it would be a good idea to give me an antidepressant psychotropic drug in October 2004 to help me with “weight loss” – Wellbutin XL. This drug did NOT help me with my weight issue. Instead, it made me completely obsessive-compulsive, I started having intense suicidal thoughts, and I kind of lost my head for a few months. On Christmas Eve 2004, I had an explosive emotional episode at home. It was more than just suicidal depression – I was pushed into a nervous break down by this drug – this experience was my rock bottom. Nothing bad happened to me or my ex as a result of my episode, but my heart broke into a thousand pieces (metaphorically speaking).
Shortly after this experience, I realized that I hated everything about my life at that time. I decided to walk away from everything that was no longer serving me. I broke up with my wife of 11 years in February 2005. I resigned from my job after 9 years of service in May 2005. I moved into an apartment in the “Gay Ghetto” in Long Beach with a gay guy I barely knew to get away from all the pain. And run away I certainly did. The Workers Comp company continued to pay my salary until October 2005, which gave me much freedom during such an emotional phase of my life. I spent most of my time searching for peace and trying to relive my 20’s – because I felt like I had missed out of that time during the long relationship with my ex – I was going to bars and dating people, being somewhat irresponsible and totally free-spirited. I was doing yoga and meditating on a regular basis. I was reading everything I could get my hands on about Yoga and Buddha. Some things haven’t changed…
I volunteered at the local LGBT Center to help with the Gay Marriage campaign. It was during this time that I realized I wanted to serve humanity by embodying loving kindness. I saw more of my truth as I worked on a canvassing campaign for gay marriage, proving to myself I was not really a shy person. (OMG, I could be outgoing! ME?!?! This was quite a revelation at the time! Imagine growing up painfully shy only to realize when you’re 30 that you aren’t really shy. This truth spun me.) I was starting to return to my true loving nature, but once again, I found not-so-nice people who didn’t understand my LOVE. I continued to be broken in pieces, living life almost as if it were a dream. Emotionally, I was struggling. But spiritually speaking, I discovered more of my psychic gifts during this time. I am thankful that the universe and my guides helped me through my healing process.
I had made some healing strides in Long Beach, but my depression ensued as life continued to deal a few more emotional blows. My roommate decided shortly after my 30th birthday that he “hated my guts” and wanted me to move out in November 2005. And I got dumped by the young girl I was dating at the time. Having run out of Workers Comp money, I had no choice but to move to Arizona where my parents had moved to only a few months prior. I planned to continue my healing when I moved into my parents place in Mesa, AZ. I could live in their extra bedroom and perhaps go back to school… But I couldn’t help but feel like a loser at the time – I couldn’t believe I had to move back in with my parents at age 30… This added to my depressive state.
Once in Arizona, I was much more daring and tried a lot of new things. During this time, I experienced more spiritual awakenings, a new love and sexual healing. I even got to experience the fetish community with a Play Party – complete with an introduction to floggers and a sexy boy toy to play for my naughty side. This empowered my Scorpio fire and my confidence level grew. Going back to school also gave me hope for the future. As I continued to educate myself, I started to experience self-love in greater volumes. I also found the love of my life – shortly after the Spring 2006 semester started, I met my future spouse, Ty. She took me out of my depressive state with an intense sexual healing process. She helped me see my own strengths and encouraged me to follow my dreams. Ty was nothing like any of the other people I’d been with. She has always felt like pure love, waking or sleeping. It was through Ty’s love that I have healed my broken heart.
Ty and I have had our ups and downs over the years, but we have stayed together for over 10 years. During this time, we have had many emotional challenges that kept me on the brink of depression. In March 2013, I experienced a traumatic brain injury that actually has taken more than two years to heal. I lost much of myself with this head injury. I lost my memory and my ability to have full conversations, my ability to comprehend simple concepts. I reverted to a “monkey mind” response to life (remember the cutting?) – I regressed to an immature emotional teenager. I took all my emotions out on those closest to me – my wife has seen me at my worst, but stuck by me through this trial.
For fear of losing everything, I had to do something about my brain situation. I literally had to relearn who I was through physical experience and remembering. I read about mindfulness through my own journal writings and reviewed one of my favorite books, The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nat Hahn. I decided at that point to practice every moment with a mindful presence. Practicing moment-by-moment mindfulness became a habit by choice. In fact, mindfulness was ultimately the glue that helped get my neurons firing again. It took several months to get back to normal function, during which time I experienced some depression. Post concussive syndrome was the cause of this depression – I recognized that it was different from before. I have progressively spent less and less time experiencing deep sadness or depression. As my brain has healed, I have found peace.
I sit before this computer today, I believe that I have healed from many years of depression. Living in the present, I simply do not experience bouts of sadness anymore. I don’t have time for depression – life is too precious! I walked away from depression when I realized that I could chose my reactions. I learned to control my mind to avoid spiraling into sadness. I take full responsibility for my emotions. I choose happiness, gratitude, love, joy, and bliss.
Here’s how I got here: My time alone over the years has taught me about excellent self-care. I learned to love myself deeply and I have practices that honor my spirit. I move my body and listen to its needs. I communicate with spirit on a regular basis. I recognize my own abilities, I tend to my daily requirements, feed myself healthy (organic, mostly vegan) foods, and I take excellent care of myself and those around me. I have respect for all beings and lots of love for humanity, animals and trees. My time with others has taught me how to have boundaries and how to create synergy through collaboration. I respect the journey and look at all challenges as opportunity. Mindfulness practice still keeps me present. My intuitive path has lead to a great business that I now see growing beyond myself. Helping to found an Integrative Wellness Cooperative in 2016 is my dream come true! My personal motto is “Saving the World, One Human at a Time”. It is through being a Lightworker that I now serve my community. By serving my true purpose on this planet, I have found my peace. I live a blissful and abundant life.
I believe peace was a choice I made long ago; after years of meditation practice, I am now experiencing longer and longer periods of peacefulness. Once peace is chosen however, it can sometimes take years to achieve… We must be patient with the process and understand that peace, like all things, is temporary, and must be nourished to be maintained. Through meditation, the mind-body receives that nourishment and can maintain peace for longer and longer periods. Because of years of these deep learning and self-healing experiences, I now apply my intuitive clarity to whole-person healing as an Intuitive Holistic Wellness Coach. I believe holistic healing or optimal wellness are gifts we must give ourselves. I help guide people to see their own truths and learn how to thrive.
After these many lessons in suffering, I will always chose peace. Namaste.
~S
